Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Three Of My Favourite Tarantino Blondes

1. Elle Driver (Daryl Hanna) in Kill Bill 1 & 2

  So jealous, (of The Bride) so angry, (that Bill allows The Bride to live) so Cyclopean (thanks to Pai Mei.) Her showdown with Beatrix in Budd's trailer is particularly epic (as was Elle's method of dispatching Budd.)

2. Alabama Whitman-Worley (Patricia Arquette) in True Romance

  This girl takes one incredible ass-kicking, and then takes down James Gandolfini with a Swiss Army Knife corkscrew attachment, and a bust of Elvis.

3. Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen) in Reservoir Dogs

  A cool-headed psychopath with good taste in music and some sweet skills with a straight razor.

Bonus- Zoe Bell (Zoe Bell) in Kill Bill 1 & 2, Death Proof, Inglorious Basterds, Django Unchained

  I found her so endearing in Death Proof. Also, stunt women are just awesome.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Three Things I Liked About Dead Snow

Dead Snow(2009) has been sitting in my Netflix instant queue for a couple of years now, and I finally got around to watching it. And, of course, it was a great movie and now I'm disgusted with myself for waiting so long(Nazi zombies, ya'll!) We might have mild spoilers here, mostly in regards to the gore scenes(no spoilers on who lives or dies!)

1. Hanna-(Charlotte Frogner)

For the better part of the movie, I had no idea what Hanna's name was, so I referred to her as "Granola Girl," what with her dreadlocks and her organic coffee. She seemed to be the resident hippie, and I can admit I made some general assumptions about Hanna in the beginning, but she came to be the person I was rooting for the most (Vegard was a close second, the rest of them-  meh. Also, am I the only one who had a problem believing that all of these kids were medical students? How about Hanna's lame ass boyfriend and his fear of blood?) Hanna kept her wits about her from the get-go, not hesitating to pick up a meat cleaver and begin hacking away at zombie appendages to save her friends. She helps formulate a plan, and then things really get good. My girl clotheslines and then head stomps a zombie to give her friend a running chance. She snatches up a squawking  Raven/Crow and bludgeons it to death to escape discovery(it doesn't work, the zombies figure out where she is, but damned is Hanna doesn't handle that like a champ, too) She even survives falling off of a cliff(while taking out a zombie) Oh, Hanna, my Granola Girl, I loved you till the end. Even covered in zombie blood.

2. Good gore! Aside from some CGI blood, there were some really great special effects. Tons of entrails:

Intestinal bungee jump, anyone?

There were ample neck and crotch wounds, eye gouges, heads ripped apart:

Bodies quartered by hand(while the victim was still alive, I might add)

I'm a big fan of practical effects, and I appreciated every single geyser of blood, and every shred of torn flesh. To hell with CGI.

3. Vegard(Lasse Valdal) sews up his own gaping neck wound(probably the only thing that happens in the movie that made me consider that at least one of them might actually make it through med school)

He uses a fish hook and some line, and it was fantastic. I have a fondness for people sewing up their own wounds. I feel compelled to mention that I was on Vegard's team before this moment, but this one scene really cemented my desire to see this dude survive. 

Bonus-  I saw a zombie use binoculars, which probably pleased me more than it should have.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Three Random Toys From My Childhood

1. Kobra Khan (Mattel, 1984)

 No gun, so he's left with his permanent "jack-off" hand.

My brother and I spent many hours playing with our He-Man action figures(as well as watching the cartoon) While Teela was always my favourite(I've had a thing for sexy redheads pretty much my whole life, it would seem) her action figure was harder to find. And, I must admit, I was titillated by the notion that Kobra Khan could actually squirt water! I have no clue where his orange gun ran off to, but I can tell you that at some point the snake man ended up with perfume in his mister. I popped his top and could still smell it, even after almost 30 years.

2. Gusty (Hasbro, 1984-85)

I wasn't exactly a "normal" little girl child, and I wasn't ever into the My Little Pony craze. I had Barbies, but my Barbies tended to be detectives solving gruesome homicides(often involving severed limbs, the nice thing about Barbie is that she popped right back together when I was done) I always preferred mermaids over unicorns, and my only guess is that this was a gift from someone. How I have managed to hold onto it for all of these years, I have no idea. And now, I find myself unable to get rid of Gusty, simply because I have managed to hang onto it for near 30 years.

3. Oculus Orbus (AmToy, mid-80s)

Pay no attention to the dog nose in the photo!
(that's Oliver Queen, by the by)

If I had my way, I would currently own all 8 of the original series of Madballs, that's how much I loved them when they came out. As it is, I got Oculus only on the whim of my Grandma. The store aisle had been pretty picked clean, and I had my choice of Oculus or one other Madball(that I believe was Slobulus) Grandma was rather put out by both choices, but after what I remember as being a lot of pleading, she relented when I took what was the more tame of the two. I have never regretted my choice. Kobra Khan and Gusty I have simply been lucky to hold on to, but I've always kept an eye(ha!) on Oculus Orbus all these years. He sits in his place of honor on my desk.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Three New Movies I Recently Watched

*No Spoilers*

1. Stoker (2013)- Mia Wasikowski, Nicole Kidman, Matthew Goode

Netflix Synopsis:  An impressionable teenager grieving for her late father lives with her unstable mother and is bewitched by her enigmatic uncle, who has mysterious motives for his sudden appearance in her life.

My Thoughts:  I wasn't really sure what to expect from this movie. While I enjoyed Mia in Alice in Wonderland, I'm not a Kidman fan(despite having an odd love affair with the movie To Die For, but I digress) and I had no idea who the guy playing the uncle was. So, the film was gorgeous, but a little too slow in places. I actually enjoyed Kidman as the alcoholic yet child-like mother. Mia did a lot of skulking around. The uncle seemed sleazy from the get-go, so I guess that means he did what he was supposed to do. Problems: I would have liked just a bit more back story about India and her father. Aside from that, it was an enjoyable watch. I imagine I will give it another go at a later date, just to see if I can answer some of my questions for myself, but this will not be a movie I just toss on for background noise. 3.75 out of 5 stars.

2. Grabbers (2012)- Richard Coyle, Ruth Bradley, Russell Tovey, Bronagh Gallagher

Netflix Synopsis: When alien monsters go on a murderous rampage on an Irish island, the only survivor is drunk -- because alcohol makes blood toxic to the aliens. Now, as the sober cop tries to stop the aliens, the rest of the town must get wasted in order to survive!

My Thoughts: I had never heard of this movie until I ran across a review of it, which I only half-read. When I saw the words "like a drunken Tremors" I knew I had to see it. My one concern going into this was that because they are Irish, and because, presumably, they would be drunk at some point, I would cease to be able to understand them through the booze and accents. Luckily, that was not the case, and with the exception of a few terms, this was nothing short of a rip-roaring good time. I was particularly fond of Ruth Bradley as Garda Lisa Nolan. I had my doubts about her in the beginning, expecting her to be a regular stick-in-the-mud because she came onto the island so by-the-book. I needn't have worried, she nailed it. Everyone was pretty delightful(also, hey, the bartender's wife is that chick from Pulp Fiction!), and this was one of the best horror-comedies I have ever seen(I wouldn't compare it to Tremors, however, it was nothing like it) 4.50 out of 5 stars.

3. Would You Rather (2013)- Brittany Snow, Jeffrey Combs, Enver Gjokaj, Charlie Hofheimer, June Squibb, Sasha Grey

Netflix Synopsis: Already an orphan, Iris can't stand the thought of losing her brother to leukemia, but she has no money to pay for his treatment. Millionaire Shepard Lambrick does, but he'll only part with his cash by way of a lethal winner-takes-all parlor game.

My Thoughts: Whew. This was a ride. One that was so engrossing that Alaska(who does not have the love of horror that I do) stopped what he was doing and watched with me. Although I liked this movie, one person in particular stood out, and I keep thinking about him even now. That would be Travis(played by Charlie Hofheimer) Travis was the only person sitting at that table who I gave a shit about, and we knew almost nothing about him. What we do find out is that Travis is a man with morals, and, dammit it to hell, there is a shortage of those in movies and the real world. Sasha Grey(whom I know is a porn star, even though I have never seen any of her "work") has very few lines, and that's certainly for the best. Jeffrey Combs was a superb cretin, and I was definitely interested in a little more back story on him and his rotten son. Brittany Snow was good in the lead, and I felt kinda bad for her and her situation, but I wasn't too concerned for her well-being. Some of the scenes were fairly brutal, and the ending takes a twist(or two, I guess?) Good movie, I will probably give it another viewing for anything I missed, but I doubt this will be one of my go-to movies for when I feel like something scary. 4 out of 5 stars-1 star of which is all for Travis.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Three Things I Love About Con Air

 1. Steve Buscemi as Garland Greene. From his dramatic entrance, to his few spoken words, to him belting out "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" while crash landing on the Vegas Strip, I loved "The Marietta Mangler." The skinny little killer that all the other cons were afraid of.

   He even takes time out to have a little tea party:

   One thing that consistently bothers me about reviews of this movie is that most of them refer to Garland Greene as a pedophile/murderer, and that is not the case. Murderer? Yes. Pedophile? I don't think so. He is never described as such, and considering the little tea party girl is both waving enthusiastically and even gave him her Ken doll to boot, it's safe to say he had his tea like a gentleman before going on his merry way.

Love the mask

 2. Poe's horrendous Southern accent, and greasy/crunchy mullet. As a born and bred Southerner, I have heard all manner of accents, from barely there, to a drawling lilt, to "Holy shit, was that even English?" I'm not sure how to classify the accent that Nic Cage apparently went to Alabama to learn.  I do wonder if Alabamans are embarrassed by this. Anyone?

   And the mullet. Look at it:

   Now, look at it in motion:

Action Mullet!

   I have an odd love affair with the mullet, and I get a strange little niggle of happiness whenever I see one, be it in a movie or on the street. Poe's receding hairline mullet is one of my favourites, in all of its disgustingly greasy, yet flyaway, glory. 

 3. That damn bunny. 

 Bonus: John Malkovich as Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom. Again, I site my penchant for psychos.



Monday, July 1, 2013

Three Thoughts On Hansel and Gretel Get Baked

An interesting take on the Hansel and Gretel fairy tale, with pot smoking, and some hinted at Nazism thrown in for whatever reason. Also, a distinct lacking of adults/parents, meter readers who act more like policemen than the policemen do, and how not to sing a dog to sleep.

1. What in the hell is going on with Lara Flynn Boyle's face? I'm guessing some Botox and collagen. Whatever it is, her face was very shiny and puffy, yet strangely droopy around her duck-lips.
Do you see what I see?

I thought all the puffiness was prosthetics, till the old lady makeup came off.

2. Girl Power! While this movie may be called "Hansel and Gretel...", it didn't really feature Hansel as any great protagonist. This movie was more about the girls. First, it's Gretel's search for her boyfriend(whom no one believes is missing)Then, it's Gretel and Bianca's search for their respective boyfriends(whom no one believes are missing) I really enjoyed the character of Bianca(despite an inability to remember her name, my brain insists on calling her "Rosa") With her switchblade, her cool head under pressure(for the most part) and willingness to go to any lengths to find her "papi,"(this includes sucking face with the puffy/droopy Lara Flynn) she was right on top. Yancy Butler makes an appearance as Officer Hart(another woman who knows some things aren't right, but who is thwarted by her douchebag of a partner(a man, in case that needs specifying) And even Droopy Face Boyle was good to go, taking on 3 hardcore drug dealers with nary a blink of an eye. I like strong women who don't wait around for a man to "save" them. These ladies are the ones doing the saving(and the murdering, in Droopy's case)

Gretel and the awesome Bianca


Droopy turns this guy into a shish kabob 

3. A teenage girl makes a "Little Old Lady From Pasadena" reference(although she credits it to the Beach Boys and not Jan and Dean, who wrote(Jan did, anyway) and recorded the song originally)